75

My Grandpa would have been 75 today.  I still can't believe he's gone, and I still miss him every day.

Birthday Wishes

I've been asking Annabella what she wants for her birthday off and on for the past couple of weeks.  Invariably, she says something about food.  The most recent:

Me:  Annabella, what do you want for your birthday?
Jason:  Do you want cookies or cupcakes or brownies? (she'd been oscillating between those choices)
A:  Brownies
Me:  What else?
A:  Ice cream
Me:  Yes, we'll have brownies and ice cream, but we have to have something else.  We can't just eat brownies and ice cream.
A:  Brownies and ice cream and brownies.
Me:  OK.  We'll have brownies and ice cream and brownies, but we have to have something else.  How about pizza?  Or hot dogs?
A:  No, I want brownies and ice cream and brownies.
Jason:  How about spaghetti or pizza?  (we often have to repeat options at this age)
A:  No, I want brownies and ice cream and brownies.
Jason:  How about bunnies and cheese?  (bunny-shaped macaroni and cheese)
A:  Yes.  Bunnies and cheese and bunnies and brownies and ice cream and brownies.
Me:  Okay.  Well that's what we'll have then.  Bunnies and cheese and bunnies and brownies and ice cream and brownies.

You'll never guess what she asked for for breakfast this morning after I sang her happy birthday :)

I think it's safe to say she's looking forward to dinner tonight.  Here's hoping she likes her presents too.

3 years old

My dearest Annabella,

Today you turn 3 years old.  Three!  I can hardly believe it.  And yet here we are.  We have officially exited the terrible twos (you hear that, Boo, you can stop being so stubborn all the time now...)  You are able to do more and more every day.  I'm starting to get glimpses about who you are, who I think you'll be, and I'm just so excited for you.

This past year has been a big year for us, but I think the biggest change for you has been getting used to your little sister.  Watching you two learn to play together is so sweet, and so frustrating (you can knock off all the fighting now too, please...)  I love how you want to give her hugs and kisses and play peek-a-boo with her, but I just wish you knew how to do those things without smothering her and knocking her over.  I love how you share your toys with her, but I wish that you'd share all your toys with her, not just the rejects you've decided you don't want at that moment.  But really, you two are great together.  Nobody can make Genevieve laugh like you can, and I know you're a great big sister, and that you two will be such great friends one day.

You are very sweet-natured.  When G pulls your hair, you say, "don't pull my hair baby".  Or when she pinches you, you say "don't pinch my skin".  And can I say that I'm very thankful that your first inclination isn't to just sock her.  You are very cooperative with your daycare teachers (though I've heard that they've seen your stubborn streak a little more recently right around nap time.)  You love to sing and we can often hear you singing quietly to yourself in your carseat.  You whisper when you are uncomfortable.

You are starting to understand the world, to remember things, to grow up.  Watching you watch movies melts my heart, because I see you light up and laugh at the funny parts.  If I say that we can do X after Y, then when we finish Y, you ask about X.

You love scissors, sweeping the floor and using the dustpan, coloring, reading books, swimming, Monkey Joe's, the park, the ball pit, Little Mermaid, CinderBella, Shrek, getting snuggles, cooking with us, getting and wiping off kisses, and playing with stuffed animals (especially putting them to bed).

I can't wait to see what this year brings.  There are so many things I want to do with you, and you are right on the cusp of being able to do them.

Mommy loves you to the moon and back.  Just don't grow up too fast.

Who stole my baby?

Genevieve,

I know it doesn't seem possible, but you  turn 1 year old today.  Where did the time go, you ask?  Well, Mommy doesn't know.  To Mommy, you are still my tiny little baby.  My tiny little baby that weighs more than just a little bit, who your Daddy and I affectionately call "El Hefto".  My tiny little baby who says Momma and Dadda and bye bye and all done and others that we've lost track of and signs more and all done and milk and walks and laughs and wrestles with your sister and jumps off the slide and wants nothing more to be a big girl like your big sister.

How did this happen?  How did my tiny (ok, you were never tiny, little miss 9lbs and 1oz at birth) little baby turn into a full-blown toddler?

We've had a rough year, you and I.  With Mommy battling some rough postpartum depression and then losing Grandpa, Mommy hasn't always been able to enjoy or love on you as much as I would have liked.  And for that I am truly sorry, Genevieve.  But I want you to know that your Mommy loves and adores you to bits and pieces.  And I am so incredibly proud of you.

I love you, Stink Butt, to the moon and back.

Momma

PPD, Part 1

I've tried writing this post over and over, but I always come up short.  I'm hoping to push through and hit "Publish" at the end of this attempt, but only time will tell.  I want to succeed.  I want my girls to have something to look back on in case they go through the same.  Every sentence I type takes so much out of me though.  So here goes nothing.

This year has sucked.  I think it's been the hardest and worst year of my life to date.  

One year ago today I was still pregnant.  I was one day past my due date, and just ready to have this baby already.  I was excited to meet her, but having gone through labor and delivery one time before, I knew first-hand that it sucked and was terrified to do it again.  I had more confidence this time around, knowing that my second baby didn't have the same size issues as my first, and that by all accounts there was nothing to be afraid of.  Everything had been going swimmingly.  Sure I'd been exhausted and virtually unable to play with Bella for the last few months, but I was in the home stretch.

Then I went in the hospital on the night of the 19th and had to be induced.  I'm still saddened that I didn't go into labor naturally.  As silly as it is, a big thing I regret about my decision to be done with babies is that I will never experience this, never have my own story to tell about what it felt like, where I was, how it went.  My story will always involve IVs and Pitocin and being resigned to knowing that I was making the right choice for my baby and myself, no matter how much I hated it.

The next several hours were pretty uneventful, or at least as uneventful as labor can be.  I don't remember very much about that night and the next morning.  I remember playing cribbage with Jason to pass the time until the contractions became too much.  I remember deciding I wanted the epidural, and being disappointed in myself for not laboring on without it.  I remember letting the doctor break my water even though I had specifically said before that I did not want this.  I remember that my nurse's name was Bert.  I remember that I let a nursing student be involved in my care, expecting a 20 something female, and instead got some kid that looked like he might be a college freshman.  But really, most of this is a bit of a daze.

At some point the next morning, it was time to push.  Pushing out a 9 pound baby is not easy, but Genevieve was born at 11:28am.  I wish that I could say that I fell in love with her immediately the way I did with Annabella, but things were different with Genevieve.  She was born blue, and stayed blue for awhile.  My first active part of mothering hurt her, as I tried to pull her up to my chest, but her cord was short and wrapped around her body, and I inadvertently pulled it tighter.  I watched helplessly as every healthcare worker in the room descended on my baby to aggressively run her with towels and blankets to try to pink her up, growing more and more anxious that something was wrong.  Finally, after what felt like an eternity, I was able to hold and love on my baby.  But I felt so weak, and so numb.

I continued to feel weak through the day, so much so that I was afraid to hold Genevieve.  After some time in labor & delivery, they moved me to the recovery wing even though I was still so shaky.  I remember thinking that I felt like I was losing blood, but I told myself that I was just so shaky because Genevieve had been so big and pushing her out had taken so much out of me.  

It wasn't until 6 hours after her birth that I started hemorrhaging blood.  By that time I'd sent Jason home and was alone with Genevieve.  The next few minutes were traumatizing, really.  The confusion, the panic, not being able to care for Genevieve as she lay crying right across the room, watching the nurses continually cleaning my bedding, putting new pads under me, only to rip them off as I soaked them with more blood.  The blood just kept coming, in huge clots.  

With Annabella, I had been so afraid that something was wrong with her.  And I had thought that I would have to have a Cesarean after hours and hours of labor without progress.  So when I was able to deliver her without the C Section, and she was healthy, the adrenaline and euphoria rushed through my body.  My baby was there, she was healthy, and life was awesome.

With Genevieve, I'd been so confident that everything would be fine.  I had no reason to believe anything different.  I don't know if it was that lack of relief (because I hadn't been scared before), or being scared for those first few terrifying minutes after her birth, or the trauma of hemorrhage, or the weeks of weakness after the hemorrhage when I still was uncomfortable holding Genevieve without help nearby.  Or it could have just been plain old body chemistry.  Who knows, really?  Whatever it was though, something pushed me into postpartum depression.  

This postpartum depression is really what I'm hoping to write about, but I'm still not sure I can face it head on enough to address it.  My fingers feel heavy on the keys, and I think of people I know reading this, and not understanding, and the thought is enough to make me stop.  But I want to write about it, for my girls.  Because if heaven forbid either of them go through PPD, I want to help them in any way I can.  And I feel like telling this story might help.

I think I've hit my limit for today though; so I will have to leave the rest for another day.  To be continued, I hope.

December 21, 1936 - August 18, 2011

He squeezed you like he meant it when he hugged.

He grew the best tomatoes.

He could be silly, even at the end.  (I so wish I had my camera when he showed the girls how to go down the twisty slide at the park.)

He stored trash bags and paper towels in his 800 pound safe.

He loved to eat, but wouldn't touch something if he knew it had butter in it.

He was the hardest worker I've ever known, working 70 hours a week until the cancer and chemo forced him to stop.

He was handy.

He watched Lifetime movies.

He adored his grand babies.  Nothing made him happier than holding them.

He could talk your ear off on the phone.

He was brave, never letting on how much pain he was in.

His garden was always immaculate.

He was a hunter, a farmer, a maintenance worker, a trolley driver, a gardener, and a truck driver.

He loved his sisters, and still called Patsy his baby sister.  He tried to keep his siblings together when times got tough after his parents left them, and he worked to reunite them later.

He had true and loyal friends, the kind who drop everything to help you load stuff up and do whatever they can when they hear the bad news.

He bounced me on his knee when I was little, and asked me who his little boy was.  When I'd say "Grandpa, I'm not a boy", he'd ask where his monkey was.  When I'd say "Grandpa, I'm not a monkey!", he'd exclaim, "Sure you are.  I see your curly tail!"

 He taught me how to add.

He killed the biggest spider I've ever seen (that wasn't in a cage.)  That spider can still make me shudder.

He showed his love by giving you produce from his garden, seeds, and plants.  And when he said he'd give you some turnips, you'd end up with a grocery bag full of turnips.  If he gave you tomatoes, you'd go home with 30 or 40 pounds of tomatoes.


He believed in putting 100 cans of everything back each year.

He was my Grandpa.  And I miss him.

Yay Babies!

My newest niece was born this morning, at 6:47 am. She weighed in at 6 lbs, 5.4 oz. She's 19 inches long. And she's absolutely beautiful.

No, I don't have a name yet. My Mommy and Daddy are working on it.
When they're not too busy grinning and looking at me, that is.

Doesn't Mommy look so pretty? She's just birthed me, and she still looks fantastic.

Congrats Jake and Lynn on your new addition. We are so happy for you, and we love your little peanut already.

Pictures

As promised, here are a few pictures. The bottom 2 of are my Grandpa. Now off to bed for me.

My girls

Genevieve's super mobile and is pulling up to a stand. She's not exactly crawling, more like doing this bear walk. Oh, and she's giving zerberts! So cute! And she has her first tooth. My little baby's growing up, and I'm so proud of her.

Pretty much every time I take Genevieve to the store, I'll feel her nuzzle into my shoulder, and then 10 seconds later somebody comes up to me to tell me that she's just smiling away at them. And then they say, "And she's got dimples!" Each time the person talking to me is so surprised that Genevieve is so smiley and happy. She loves people though, especially when she's safely in Momma's arms.

Annabella is getting so big. We took her to the pool yesterday, and she was able to walk all around the kiddie pool without help. Last year she would have drowned had we not been there to help her. She's still pretty entrenched in the terrible twos, but I can see little signs that she's coming out of them. She's still my snuggle bear, and she gives the best hugs and kisses.

Annabella might be giving up her daily nap though. I don't think she took one either day this weekend. She was still in her crib at nap time, but we don't think she slept at all. Then she was of course super grouchy by the end of the day. And whoo boy was she in a mood this morning! But she'll still get nap time at daycare; so hopefully that will help her catch up on sleep.

I will try to update with some videos and pictures soon. The last few months have been pretty rough for me personally, and I've also been extra super busy at work. But I know that I've been neglecting the blog. So I will try to do better.

My girls

Genevieve's super mobile and is pulling up to a stand. She's not exactly crawling, more like doing this bear walk. Oh, and she's giving zerberts! So cute! And she has her first tooth. My little baby's growing up, and I'm so proud of her.

Pretty much every time I take Genevieve to the store, I'll feel her nuzzle into my shoulder, and then 10 seconds later somebody comes up to me to tell me that she's just smiling away at them. And then they say, "And she's got dimples!" Each time the person talking to me is so surprised that Genevieve is so smiley and happy. She loves people though, especially when she's safely in Momma's arms.

Annabella is getting so big. We took her to the pool yesterday, and she was able to walk all around the kiddie pool without help. Last year she would have drowned had we not been there to help her. She's still pretty entrenched in the terrible twos, but I can see little signs that she's coming out of them. She's still my snuggle bear, and she gives the best hugs and kisses.

Annabella might be giving up her daily nap though. I don't think she took one either day this weekend. She was still in her crib at nap time, but we don't think she slept at all. Then she was of course super grouchy by the end of the day. And whoo boy was she in a mood this morning! But she'll still get nap time at daycare; so hopefully that will help her catch up on sleep.

I will try to update with some videos and pictures soon. The last few months have been pretty rough for me personally, and I've also been extra super busy at work. But I know that I've been neglecting the blog. So I will try to do better.

Wow I've been neglecting this blog

I switched jobs a couple months back (same company, different responsibility), and that has seriously decreased my blogging time. I love my new job, but I'm way busier than I was. Most of my blogging happens during downtime at work. Now that I have no downtime, I'm not sure how frequently I'll be able to update.

We're good. This spring has been super hectic. We're trying to trek to Ohio every few weeks to see Grandpa, which makes for a lot of travel. We're also getting ready to go on vacation soon, and I'm throwing a baby shower in the next few weeks as well.

The girls are great. Genevieve is crawling and starting to pull up on things. She's showing her personality more and more, and whoa buddy I think she's going to give us a run for our money soon. She's determined and persistent when she wants something, and she gets oh so mad when you take something away from her. She loves kisses, and she's starting to snuggle a little here or there (though you still only get a few seconds most times). She's a lot of fun.

Annabella is still my snuggle bunny. She wants Mama to hold her for minutes on end. She also wants her independence though, and is constantly pushing her boundaries. We play a new game. I give her kisses, and she wipes them off. So I kiss her ears and her belly button and say I buried them and she'll never get them off. And now she does it back to me. I must say, I'm loving all the extra kisses, even if ear kisses are a little weird.

Here's what you all come here for:

Unbeknown to me, Annabella is sharing a piece of grass with her sister.

Genevieve is less than pleased.

Mommy notices Genevieve has grass and asks Annabella to take it from her. Annabella obliges. Mommy thinks how sweet it is for Annbella to watch out for her little sister like this and to help Mommy out. Unfortunately for Boo, the pictures caught the real story.

A Quick Confession

I am unreasonably excited about the royal wedding tomorrow. I'm so tempted to get up at 4am to start watching the coverage, but alas, I will be recording it for future viewing.

We're ok

I guess the tornadoes this past weekend were relatively close to us, one even touching down in downtown Raleigh. But we were blissfully unaware of any danger and went on with our lives like nothing was happening. There was some pretty intense hail, and the storm was loud enough to wake the kids up from their naps. But that was all the drama we saw.

Hopefully next time it storms like that one of us will realize that we should turn on the stupid radio to make sure we don't need to head down to the basement. Parents of the year here.

Grandpa Murphy

My grandfather is dying. He met with the doctor a week ago Tuesday, and the doctor told him it was time to stop treatments and call in hospice care. The doctor estimated his remaining time as 2 months.


Jarrod and I and our families made the trek to Ohio to see him this past weekend.

I can't begin to tell you how much my grandfather means to me, or how much I'm going to miss him. But the thing that hurts my heart the most is knowing that my kids and my niece won't realize or remember how much he adores them. Because if there's anything my grandfather loves, it's his grand babies.

(Pictures were stolen from Jarrod's wife, Amy's, website.)

Post-Surgery, Doing Well

Genevieve did not care for surgery at all, but she's doing really well now. She took a giant nap immediately after that, and she's been a little fussy today, but that's it. So yay!

I'm really hoping tubes work as well for her as they have for Annabella. They were life-changing for her, really.

Tubes for G

We took Genevieve to the ENT today. She's had 4 ear infections since Jan 23, and even though today is her 7th day on antibiotics, her ear still has puss in it.

So she will be getting tubes put in her ears on Wednesday.

I'm not as frightened as I was with Annabella. I know the tubes for Annabella were little miracles for us and that she's been much healthier and happier since she got them (not to mention she can actually hear now.) So I think having been through it once before is making it easier.

But still... I'm really not looking forward to leaving my tiny baby behind for her first surgery. I'm guessing it would be more traumatic to actually be in the room with her, but I really wish they would just let me go in to hold her hand through it all.

After I had Annabella, I often felt overwhelmed and anxious. I felt like there weren't enough hours in the day, I was afraid the house would burn down and I wouldn't be able to get her out, and I was so sleep-deprived that I could barely see straight. But I was happy. I was in love with my baby. And life was hard, but good. Even on the bad days, the thought of seeing my little bundle of joy would bring a smile to my lips.

After I had Genevieve, I felt numb. And when I didn't feel numb, I often felt bad. I had a tough time bonding with my little baby, and I attributed this to not being able to spend as much time with her as I'd like, due to the postpartum hemorrhage. I felt like anybody else could and would do a better job taking care of her, and that she deserved more than I could give her.

At my 6 week postpartum appointment, I learned that the effects of the hemorrhage should be long over, and that the hemorrhage, while making me physically weak, should not have had a negative effect on my ability to bond with G. My doctor told me he thought I was suffering from postpartum depression.

Since then, I've learned a whole lot more about postpartum depression, and I gotta tell you, it's just not much fun.

Potty Training!

We started potty training Annabella this past weekend. We'd tried before, a few months before Genevieve was born, but she just wasn't quite ready then. I think she was probably ready awhile ago now, but we chose to wait because getting a new little sister is just such a big transition. But recently Annabella has started requesting diaper changes instead of fighting them, and we took that as a sign that it was time.

So far it's going really well, and I'm really proud of my little girl. Seeing her running around in her big girl panties makes me ache for the baby she was, smile at the big girl she's become, and wonder what the future holds.

Annabella Grace

I've been promising to post pictures of the kids for awhile. Here are some of Annabella.

Genevieve Claire

I've been promising to post some pictures for awhile now. Here are some of our newer ones of Genevieve.

Still here.

I'm still alive. Really. I know it's been forever since I've posted.

The girls are good.

Genevieve is rolling over (front to back only still) and sitting up and working towards crawling. She's a sweet, happy baby who smiles at everybody and has an infectious laugh. She also has her third ear infection. I think tubes are in our near future with her.

Annabella is teaching me what the terrible twos are all about. She must think I'm a slow learner, because she's really drilling in that lesson. She's enough to wear me out, even on a good day. But her hugs brighten my days, her smile makes me smile, and I'm proud of her even when she's difficult.

I know there's more to say. It's been a busy month or so. But at least that's a start.

Hey, at least she's wearing socks.

I'm not sure Annabella understands the concept of favorite yet. If you ask her what her favorite color is, she'll look at you blankly. But I would bet dollars to doughnuts that her favorite color is blue. Whenever we let her choose her plate, she always goes for the blue one if available. And we have to watch her to make sure she doesn't pull the blue one out of the dishwasher when it's dirty. She seems to prefer the blue balls over the others, and she loves her cupcake outfit with the blue pants.

So really, when I saw 2 pairs of dirty socks lying at the bottom of the stairs this morning, I should have stopped what I was doing right then to grab them up and hide them. Especially because she'd already worn the blue snowman ones twice. And because she was wearing green and white. But I didn't. I was busy and I didn't think Annabella had noticed them.

20 minutes later:

Me: Annabella, time to put your shoes and socks on. (Grabbing her clean white socks and trying to put them on).

Annabella: (Trying to rip them out of my hands.) No white socks! Blue socks! NO WHITE SOCKS! BLUE SOCKS!

I could pretend that I stuck to my guns and decided that a third wearing of the blue snowman socks was completely inappropriate. But you know what, it just wasn't worth the battle. Wearing dirty socks isn't going to kill her, even if they seriously clash with her outfit.

Buttered Toast

Toast Story #1:

Annabella loves this song, Fire Truck by Ivan Ulz. She sings it all the time. "Fire truck, fire truck, I want to ride in a fire truck!" So cute.

Well today, she asked for toast for breakfast. After the bread finished toasting, she asked "Butter?". So I assured her that yes, I was putting butter on her toast and bringing her buttered toast. So she started singing "Buttered toast, buttered toast, I want to ride in a buttered toast!".

Besides being all sorts of adorable, I'm really excited to see her starting to play around with songs and mixing up words.

____________________________

Toast Story #2:

About a month ago I was trying to get Annabella to eat a snack. I knew she was hungry, but I couldn't get her to agree to anything. I know that seriously buttered toast is one of her favorites, so I asked her over and over again if she wanted toast.

Mommy: Annabella, do you want some toast?

Annabella: No toast! No toast!

M: You sure?

A: NO TOAST!

M: OK, you don't have to eat toast. What about (any other appropriate option)?

A: No.

5 minutes later:

M: You want some toast sweetie?

A: No toast, no toast!

M: (Still racking my brain, what can I get her to eat).

3 minutes later:

M: How about some toast?

A: No toast, no toast!

M: Well, I'm going to make you some toast anyway. You don't have to eat it though.

A: No toast, no toast!

2 minutes later:

A: (Trying to get Mommy to come do something)

M: Sorry sweetie, Mommy's busy buttering your toast.

A: No toast. No toast. NO TOAST!

M: (Walking toast to Annabella at the table)

A: NO TOAST!

M: (Sets toast in front of Annabella at the table).

A: (Looks at toast, tilts her head to the side, and smiles).

A: TOAST!

And with that, she ate up all her toast.

To add even more insult to injury...

It's bad enough that I turn 29* on Monday.

Over Christmas break I found a white hair.

And today I lost the ability to drive without glasses. Stupid tiny letters on stupid eye tests.

*again

Home Sweet Home

We arrived safely back home after all of our holiday travels in the wee hours of this morning. It is soooo nice to be back. We loved spending time with family and friends, but traveling with 2 little ones was pretty tough.

I'm hoping to blog a little more frequently now that we're back, but the list of stuff to do is huge and never-ending.

So many things have fallen through the cracks, many of which I feel bad about (like not getting out Christmas cards, not responding to all the emails I should have, not getting out thank you cards when I should have, etc.) Some days I just don't know how people do it. I know I'm not the only mother of 2 small children, and I'm sure most of them do a better job keeping in touch with people and such. Again, I just don't know how they do it. So I'm just going to issue a blanket apology here to all the people that I owe a thank you card or an email or a phone call or whatever else. I'm sorry. I appreciate you and the effort you go through to keep in touch. I will try to do better.

I've been thinking a little more recently about why I keep this blog, and I think there are a number of reasons. The first is that I want to keep a record for Annabella and Genevieve. I want them to be able to look back at what I went through and have an honest account of what motherhood was like for their Mommy. I want them to know how much I adore them, but also how hard this can be sometimes.

The second reason I keep this blog is because it helps me work through my feelings. This blog is more like a journal for me than I anticipated. I find myself posting things that I might be embarrassed to say out loud. I know in my head that other people, people I know, actually do read what I write here, but when I'm sitting here writing it, I often don't think about them. I'm not sure how I feel about this though. I know that I still hold back some things, things that I might want my daughters to know one day, feelings that I'd like to work through, because I don't know if I'm ready for the world to know.

The third reason I keep this blog is because I like to update family and friends who aren't right here on how my girls are doing.