Wednesday, May 26, 2010

My solemn vowel

Three years ago today, at this time, I remember being giddy with excitement. I was a little nervous about everything that had to be done, but I realized it was too late for all that, and I was finally able to relax and just be happy. I think my best girls and I were probably just arriving at the church to get our hair and makeup done. My dress was already there waiting for me. My big day had arrived, at last.

I remember laughing about how the makeup artist went completely overboard. (I told her we wanted the natural look, really!) I remember sitting there and eating Subway and thinking how sweet it was that a friend had gone out to get it for us and had even thought to bring back straws so we wouldn't ruin our makeup. I remember the photographer showing up, and my bridesmaids whispering to me how attractive he was. I remember him blushing when I told him they thought he was cute. But mainly I remember just soaking in the minutes, anxiously awaiting the hour my life would change.

I remember walking down the aisle and seeing Jason cry. I remember trying to really understand the words I was saying as I spoke them, but feeling it was all too fast. In sickness and in health? Yes. For better of worse? Yes. Till death do us part? Yes.

I remember the minister leading us up to the alter. I remember slipping the ring on Jason's finger, and repeating what the ring meant. I remember telling Jason that this was my solemn vowel. Oops! I remember flashing Jason a look of panic. I'd messed up!

And I remember the minister declaring us to be married, a few minutes later, my solemn vowel and all.

I loved that day.

It still ranks pretty high on my list of days. But not as high as I thought it would. As I stop and look around, and think about where we are now, and see my little girl running and squealing in excitement, and imagine our next little girl who's still on her way, I have to admit that today is pretty awesome too.

Three years ago today, we started a journey together. And it just keeps getting sweeter.

I love you Jason!

Monday, May 17, 2010

Big Girl

Whenever I put Annabella to bed, I lay her in her crib on her side. (Okay, I admit it. It's more of a harsh plop rather than a gentle laying down, but she's heavy, and the crib sides are so high...and yeah, I'm mother of the year. I know.) Usually, as soon as her little body hits the mattress, she rolls to her tummy and tucks her legs under her, sticking her little butt up in the air. It is absolutely adorable. And my heart swells.

I'm saddened to report that the last couple of times I've put Annabella down, she's rolled over onto her belly and sprawled her arms and legs out, adopting a big girl pose.

Where has my baby gone?

I'm finding with this parenting thing that it's the little things that knock the breath out of me, make me want to cry. And this is one of those. A tiny passage in time is ending, and I miss it already. I'm so proud of Annabella and the big girl she is becoming, but oh how I miss my baby.

And to add insult to injury, I've noticed in the last week or two that she hasn't been as snuggly with me. It used to be that when I would take her down for breakfast in the morning she wouldn't let me put her down until I was ready to put her in her high chair. She would shriek if I even tried it. And oh, it was annoying. I kept trying to explain that I just needed to put her down so I could plop her toast in or get her milk out of the fridge, but she would have nothing to do with that. And now? My little girl takes off running and squealing as she runs circles in the house, full of energy and life.

Don't even get me started on the lukewarm greetings I've been getting when I pick her up from daycare. Three weeks ago she would have run to me as fast as her two little legs could carry her and not let go of me until we were leaving together. Last week when I picked her up, my darling little angel looked at me, then looked at the snack she was eating, and couldn't decide which she wanted more. When she finally got up, she ran around the room with her paper towel, pretending to look for the trash, but really stalling for time.

So while my heart swells with pride and love for my big girl, it's also a little shattered because I just can't stop missing the little girl who's growing up too fast.

Friday, May 7, 2010


I'm officially 5 months pregnant! Yay! Now if only I looked like I was 5 month pregnant rather than 7 months... My body is changing so much faster this pregnancy than last. Everything is going well. I'm at the point now where I'm holding my breath for that 26 week mark where the baby would potentially be viable outside my womb. Not that I want to meet her anywhere near that early, but it will be nice to know that if the worst happens, my baby will still have a shot. Only 4 more weeks to go till we get there!

Annabella is doing great. Apparently they sit her on the potty during diaper changes, and she went pee pee in the potty the other day! So exciting. We're not even trying to potty train her yet, but it's nice to think that it might not be too far off. And we'll probably start training her once we get a potty for her, but in a really relaxed way. Maybe just let her sit on the potty when she wants to and such for awhile. She doesn't really communicate with us enough yet to hope for much more than that.

Her daycare teacher puts her hair up in pigtails every now and then, which is soooo cute. I think I'm about ready to try again, but the last time I tried to do anything with her hair Annabella just would not sit still. So I asked her teacher how she gets Annabella to let her do it, and the teacher was like, "she just sits there for me". Of course she does. Because she is Little Miss Well-Behaved at daycare. When I told her teacher that that doesn't work for us, she said, "well, I usually do her hair right after nap time when she's calm because she's normally the first child up". To which I asked, "Isn't she usually one of the last ones you put down?" "Well, yes". So yep, my child is the one who takes the shortest naps. I wish I were surprised.

Jason felt the baby kick the other day for the first (and so far only) time. I feel a little bad that this baby isn't getting the same focus and devotion that Annabella got. I remember laying still for like 10 minutes with him just staring at my belly waiting for Annabella to kick. And when he finally saw the little bump that was her foot hitting my stomach, he teared up. This time it was an "Oh, that's cool! Let's go to sleep now." I have to believe that when this baby comes we will fall for her as hard as we fell for Annabella when we met her, but it's just hard to fathom. When I think of my baby girl, my mind usually wanders to Annabella. I think it might have been easier to differentiate in my head if this baby were a boy, but I have all sorts of irrational fears about how I'm going to feel now that I know she's a girl. And I really don't want to short-change this baby. And of course I'm also terrified of short-changing Annabella. Right now she's my sunshine, my reason to smile in the mornings, my beloved baby girl. I keep asking her how my favorite girl is. And then I wonder how she's going to feel when she has to share that title.

In some ways I just can't wait to meet this baby. And in others, I want life to stay just the way it is for a little while longer.