PPD, Part 1

I've tried writing this post over and over, but I always come up short.  I'm hoping to push through and hit "Publish" at the end of this attempt, but only time will tell.  I want to succeed.  I want my girls to have something to look back on in case they go through the same.  Every sentence I type takes so much out of me though.  So here goes nothing.

This year has sucked.  I think it's been the hardest and worst year of my life to date.  

One year ago today I was still pregnant.  I was one day past my due date, and just ready to have this baby already.  I was excited to meet her, but having gone through labor and delivery one time before, I knew first-hand that it sucked and was terrified to do it again.  I had more confidence this time around, knowing that my second baby didn't have the same size issues as my first, and that by all accounts there was nothing to be afraid of.  Everything had been going swimmingly.  Sure I'd been exhausted and virtually unable to play with Bella for the last few months, but I was in the home stretch.

Then I went in the hospital on the night of the 19th and had to be induced.  I'm still saddened that I didn't go into labor naturally.  As silly as it is, a big thing I regret about my decision to be done with babies is that I will never experience this, never have my own story to tell about what it felt like, where I was, how it went.  My story will always involve IVs and Pitocin and being resigned to knowing that I was making the right choice for my baby and myself, no matter how much I hated it.

The next several hours were pretty uneventful, or at least as uneventful as labor can be.  I don't remember very much about that night and the next morning.  I remember playing cribbage with Jason to pass the time until the contractions became too much.  I remember deciding I wanted the epidural, and being disappointed in myself for not laboring on without it.  I remember letting the doctor break my water even though I had specifically said before that I did not want this.  I remember that my nurse's name was Bert.  I remember that I let a nursing student be involved in my care, expecting a 20 something female, and instead got some kid that looked like he might be a college freshman.  But really, most of this is a bit of a daze.

At some point the next morning, it was time to push.  Pushing out a 9 pound baby is not easy, but Genevieve was born at 11:28am.  I wish that I could say that I fell in love with her immediately the way I did with Annabella, but things were different with Genevieve.  She was born blue, and stayed blue for awhile.  My first active part of mothering hurt her, as I tried to pull her up to my chest, but her cord was short and wrapped around her body, and I inadvertently pulled it tighter.  I watched helplessly as every healthcare worker in the room descended on my baby to aggressively run her with towels and blankets to try to pink her up, growing more and more anxious that something was wrong.  Finally, after what felt like an eternity, I was able to hold and love on my baby.  But I felt so weak, and so numb.

I continued to feel weak through the day, so much so that I was afraid to hold Genevieve.  After some time in labor & delivery, they moved me to the recovery wing even though I was still so shaky.  I remember thinking that I felt like I was losing blood, but I told myself that I was just so shaky because Genevieve had been so big and pushing her out had taken so much out of me.  

It wasn't until 6 hours after her birth that I started hemorrhaging blood.  By that time I'd sent Jason home and was alone with Genevieve.  The next few minutes were traumatizing, really.  The confusion, the panic, not being able to care for Genevieve as she lay crying right across the room, watching the nurses continually cleaning my bedding, putting new pads under me, only to rip them off as I soaked them with more blood.  The blood just kept coming, in huge clots.  

With Annabella, I had been so afraid that something was wrong with her.  And I had thought that I would have to have a Cesarean after hours and hours of labor without progress.  So when I was able to deliver her without the C Section, and she was healthy, the adrenaline and euphoria rushed through my body.  My baby was there, she was healthy, and life was awesome.

With Genevieve, I'd been so confident that everything would be fine.  I had no reason to believe anything different.  I don't know if it was that lack of relief (because I hadn't been scared before), or being scared for those first few terrifying minutes after her birth, or the trauma of hemorrhage, or the weeks of weakness after the hemorrhage when I still was uncomfortable holding Genevieve without help nearby.  Or it could have just been plain old body chemistry.  Who knows, really?  Whatever it was though, something pushed me into postpartum depression.  

This postpartum depression is really what I'm hoping to write about, but I'm still not sure I can face it head on enough to address it.  My fingers feel heavy on the keys, and I think of people I know reading this, and not understanding, and the thought is enough to make me stop.  But I want to write about it, for my girls.  Because if heaven forbid either of them go through PPD, I want to help them in any way I can.  And I feel like telling this story might help.

I think I've hit my limit for today though; so I will have to leave the rest for another day.  To be continued, I hope.

December 21, 1936 - August 18, 2011

He squeezed you like he meant it when he hugged.

He grew the best tomatoes.

He could be silly, even at the end.  (I so wish I had my camera when he showed the girls how to go down the twisty slide at the park.)

He stored trash bags and paper towels in his 800 pound safe.

He loved to eat, but wouldn't touch something if he knew it had butter in it.

He was the hardest worker I've ever known, working 70 hours a week until the cancer and chemo forced him to stop.

He was handy.

He watched Lifetime movies.

He adored his grand babies.  Nothing made him happier than holding them.

He could talk your ear off on the phone.

He was brave, never letting on how much pain he was in.

His garden was always immaculate.

He was a hunter, a farmer, a maintenance worker, a trolley driver, a gardener, and a truck driver.

He loved his sisters, and still called Patsy his baby sister.  He tried to keep his siblings together when times got tough after his parents left them, and he worked to reunite them later.

He had true and loyal friends, the kind who drop everything to help you load stuff up and do whatever they can when they hear the bad news.

He bounced me on his knee when I was little, and asked me who his little boy was.  When I'd say "Grandpa, I'm not a boy", he'd ask where his monkey was.  When I'd say "Grandpa, I'm not a monkey!", he'd exclaim, "Sure you are.  I see your curly tail!"

 He taught me how to add.

He killed the biggest spider I've ever seen (that wasn't in a cage.)  That spider can still make me shudder.

He showed his love by giving you produce from his garden, seeds, and plants.  And when he said he'd give you some turnips, you'd end up with a grocery bag full of turnips.  If he gave you tomatoes, you'd go home with 30 or 40 pounds of tomatoes.


He believed in putting 100 cans of everything back each year.

He was my Grandpa.  And I miss him.

Yay Babies!

My newest niece was born this morning, at 6:47 am. She weighed in at 6 lbs, 5.4 oz. She's 19 inches long. And she's absolutely beautiful.

No, I don't have a name yet. My Mommy and Daddy are working on it.
When they're not too busy grinning and looking at me, that is.

Doesn't Mommy look so pretty? She's just birthed me, and she still looks fantastic.

Congrats Jake and Lynn on your new addition. We are so happy for you, and we love your little peanut already.

Pictures

As promised, here are a few pictures. The bottom 2 of are my Grandpa. Now off to bed for me.

My girls

Genevieve's super mobile and is pulling up to a stand. She's not exactly crawling, more like doing this bear walk. Oh, and she's giving zerberts! So cute! And she has her first tooth. My little baby's growing up, and I'm so proud of her.

Pretty much every time I take Genevieve to the store, I'll feel her nuzzle into my shoulder, and then 10 seconds later somebody comes up to me to tell me that she's just smiling away at them. And then they say, "And she's got dimples!" Each time the person talking to me is so surprised that Genevieve is so smiley and happy. She loves people though, especially when she's safely in Momma's arms.

Annabella is getting so big. We took her to the pool yesterday, and she was able to walk all around the kiddie pool without help. Last year she would have drowned had we not been there to help her. She's still pretty entrenched in the terrible twos, but I can see little signs that she's coming out of them. She's still my snuggle bear, and she gives the best hugs and kisses.

Annabella might be giving up her daily nap though. I don't think she took one either day this weekend. She was still in her crib at nap time, but we don't think she slept at all. Then she was of course super grouchy by the end of the day. And whoo boy was she in a mood this morning! But she'll still get nap time at daycare; so hopefully that will help her catch up on sleep.

I will try to update with some videos and pictures soon. The last few months have been pretty rough for me personally, and I've also been extra super busy at work. But I know that I've been neglecting the blog. So I will try to do better.

My girls

Genevieve's super mobile and is pulling up to a stand. She's not exactly crawling, more like doing this bear walk. Oh, and she's giving zerberts! So cute! And she has her first tooth. My little baby's growing up, and I'm so proud of her.

Pretty much every time I take Genevieve to the store, I'll feel her nuzzle into my shoulder, and then 10 seconds later somebody comes up to me to tell me that she's just smiling away at them. And then they say, "And she's got dimples!" Each time the person talking to me is so surprised that Genevieve is so smiley and happy. She loves people though, especially when she's safely in Momma's arms.

Annabella is getting so big. We took her to the pool yesterday, and she was able to walk all around the kiddie pool without help. Last year she would have drowned had we not been there to help her. She's still pretty entrenched in the terrible twos, but I can see little signs that she's coming out of them. She's still my snuggle bear, and she gives the best hugs and kisses.

Annabella might be giving up her daily nap though. I don't think she took one either day this weekend. She was still in her crib at nap time, but we don't think she slept at all. Then she was of course super grouchy by the end of the day. And whoo boy was she in a mood this morning! But she'll still get nap time at daycare; so hopefully that will help her catch up on sleep.

I will try to update with some videos and pictures soon. The last few months have been pretty rough for me personally, and I've also been extra super busy at work. But I know that I've been neglecting the blog. So I will try to do better.

Wow I've been neglecting this blog

I switched jobs a couple months back (same company, different responsibility), and that has seriously decreased my blogging time. I love my new job, but I'm way busier than I was. Most of my blogging happens during downtime at work. Now that I have no downtime, I'm not sure how frequently I'll be able to update.

We're good. This spring has been super hectic. We're trying to trek to Ohio every few weeks to see Grandpa, which makes for a lot of travel. We're also getting ready to go on vacation soon, and I'm throwing a baby shower in the next few weeks as well.

The girls are great. Genevieve is crawling and starting to pull up on things. She's showing her personality more and more, and whoa buddy I think she's going to give us a run for our money soon. She's determined and persistent when she wants something, and she gets oh so mad when you take something away from her. She loves kisses, and she's starting to snuggle a little here or there (though you still only get a few seconds most times). She's a lot of fun.

Annabella is still my snuggle bunny. She wants Mama to hold her for minutes on end. She also wants her independence though, and is constantly pushing her boundaries. We play a new game. I give her kisses, and she wipes them off. So I kiss her ears and her belly button and say I buried them and she'll never get them off. And now she does it back to me. I must say, I'm loving all the extra kisses, even if ear kisses are a little weird.

Here's what you all come here for:

Unbeknown to me, Annabella is sharing a piece of grass with her sister.

Genevieve is less than pleased.

Mommy notices Genevieve has grass and asks Annabella to take it from her. Annabella obliges. Mommy thinks how sweet it is for Annbella to watch out for her little sister like this and to help Mommy out. Unfortunately for Boo, the pictures caught the real story.