Caffeine withdrawal

I gave up my beloved Diet Coke when I found out I was pregnant with Bella, and stayed off it until I was finished nursing Vieves.  I nursed Vieves until she was 2.5; so that was 5 years off the juice.  During those years, I dreamed of Diet Coke, literally.  I'd wake up not certain if I'd cheated or not.

Since then, I have enjoyed way too much Diet Coke.

So I gave it up this past Saturday.

I'm grouchy, have a headache, and just want to sleep.  Grrrrr.

In other news, I'm growing concerned that I'm raising a little spoiled little narcissist.  I'm sure it's just a stage, but Vieves was in rare form this week.  She had bike day at preschool, and was displeased that her scooter was at Grandma's house.  She had a bike, a trike, and we could borrow the neighbor's scooter.  She was displeased with all of those options.  So I called a mom friend down the street and borrowed their scooter.  Vieves was displeased with it when she saw it the next morning and realized it wasn't the kind she wanted.

So now reread that paragraph, and replace every instance of "displeased" with "threw a giant hour-long temper tantrum" or "demanded I go and get her a new scooter" or "said she'd be taunted and it was all my fault" or "demanded I drive 3 hours each way to get her scooter" or "screamed at me".

So yeah, that happened.

Bella, on the other hand, has been exceedingly kind as of late, especially to her sister.  I think she's basking in the praise we give her when she does something nice.  It's incredibly sweet, but Genevieve is in the current mood to take complete and total advantage of Bella's generosity.

Example:  Bella cleaned up a mess that Vieves made.  So we gave Bella 3 jelly beans and said she could do with them what she wanted.  She ate 1, then let Vieves choose 1 of the next 2.  Vieves stole both.  As I was telling Vieves she couldn't have both, Vieves shoved the jelly beans in her maw and Bella said, "That's ok.  She can have 2."

I realize I haven't written much about my girls in awhile; so this is probably making Vieveroo sound like a monster, but she's really not, at least not most of the time.  She's usually sweet and funny and charismatic and just a whole lot of fun.  She's also probably the most persistent (stubborn) person I've ever met.  (My sister-in-law, who is very direct and not prone to exaggeration, has said that Vieves is the most stubborn person she's ever met; so it's not just me...)

Some weeks feel like a slog.  This has been one of them.  But we're coming up on the weekend, and my company's picnic is tonight, which should be a lot of fun.  They even put on fireworks at the end, which the girls are really looking forward too.

TGIF indeed.

Life lessons

I feel like I figured out some things late in life, things that might seem obvious to others.  I hope my kids get some of these earlier.

• You don't have to like people  Some people are just mean and awful.  Some people might be perfectly nice and just not your cup of tea.  All of that's okay.  You don't have to like them.  It's enough to just be kind.  Unless, of course, somebody makes you feel bad or gives you the creeps.  Then stay far, far away from them.
  
• When playing softball/racquetball/etc, "keep your eye on the ball" means focus your vision on the ball.  Not make sure the ball is somewhere in your periphery.
  
• Try not to care what other people think.  If something makes you happy, it doesn't matter if you're good or bad at it, just have fun with it.
  
• Being friends with crazy people is not such a good idea.  They might be a lot of fun, but the dramatics get old.  And you can't reason with crazy people.  You're more likely to make yourself crazy than to help them be sane.
  
• You don't have to have kids to have a full and good life.  I love my kids and am thrilled that they're my babies, but I cannot deny that my life changed, in many ways for the harder, when I had kids.  I love my kids, and wouldn't trade them for the world, but I don't always love being a Mommy.

Date Night!

The kids have been at each other's throats today; so we couldn't ask for a better night for date night.  Woohoo to Little Gym for having a Parent Survival Night today.  We need it :)

Sisters

Bella's reached that awkward age, where her smiles for the camera look forced (because they are) and her teeth are a mix of baby and adult teeth.  She's also far more camera shy than she used to be; so nailing her down for a picture can be difficult.

Genevieve, on the other hand, loves loves loves to be the center of attention, and will pose like a goofball for the camera until she gets bored.  Getting her to actually smile and not be a goofball is the tricky part.  She's mid-dance here.

In a family of introverts, Bella makes sense to me.  I don't know how Jason and I produced a little extrovert, but we did.  Where Bella loves to sit and quietly look at books and can get lost in her own little world, Genevieve loves to twirl around and tell stories and boss everybody she can.  I think Bella helps encourage Genevieve to sit still and focus on things, and Genevieve encourages Bella to let loose and be silly and put on princess shows.

They love each other fiercely, fight like cats and dogs, and make my heart happy every day.  I'm so blessed to be these girls' Mommy.

Let's give this another go

So it turns out I miss blogging.

I think I started blogging almost completely 100% for me.

Then a few friends and family started reading it, which was both good and bad.  Good because it's awesome people I love care enough to read my random musings.  Bad because I felt somewhat limited in what I could say.

Then several strangers started reading my posts about the Trisomy-18/SLOS quad-screen scare.  For awhile, I was getting pings every month or so from other scared moms who were anxiously awaiting more testing.  The comments they left were heart-breaking, and as more time was passing, I found it harder and harder to reach out to them.  Because while I remember feeling scared and helpless and looking for any information I could find, enough time has passed, enough new experiences have popped up, that I just can't relate like I once could.  It's no longer fresh.

Also, somewhere along the way, my mental health took a bit of a nosedive.  Issues with Bella got more complex.  Life changed in unpredictable ways.  And I felt uncomfortable writing about some of those things online, where anybody can see it.

Here's the thing though.  I don't journal.  I just can't seem to get into it.  I type WAY faster than I can write, and looking back on my blog makes me smile at my old memories.  Also, it just helps me feel better.

So in an effort to care less about what others think and do what makes me happy, I'm going to attempt this again.  In that vein, I'll just admit some stuff up front.

1)  I'm codependent.

Most people misuse this word to describe somebody who depends on somebody too much, but that's not quite it.  You know how in an abusive household, there's often the peacemaker, the one who does whatever they can to keep the abuser even-tempered?  That peacemaker is codependent.

I do NOT live in an abusive household, and I've never had an abusive boyfriend.  But I have had a couple deeply unhealthy friendships.  The last one was bad enough that I sought therapy to regain some control over my life, and since then, I've been much more aware and less likely to form these relationships.  I still have the tendency to put my needs lower than other people's (often inconsequential) wants, to take offhand comments way too seriously, and to bend my life around somebody else's desires.

Thankfully, I have a great support system of people who get this about me and try not to abuse it.  Jason, for instance, when stating a preference will make it clear that he does not want me to change my behavior or plans if it's of little consequence to him.  And if it's something that has absolutely zero affect on him, I think he just keeps his mouth shut.  Also, he listens when I describe what's going through my head and puts up with me when I worry way too much about other's thoughts.

I'm going to throw a shout-out to my BFF Corrie here as well, as she is all sorts of great for my mental well-being and just overall happiness.

2)  I suffer from depression and anxiety.

I think I was probably always prone to some of this, and can now recognize past times when I probably was depressed.  But it started in earnest right after I had Genevieve.  I had a really difficult time bonding with her for a long time and worried that I never would.  I'd had a postpartum hemorrhage with Genevieve that left me feeling weak and lethargic.  For a long time, I thought what I felt was still left over from the effects of that.  But when I broke down in tears at my 6 week followup, the doctor swiftly put me on extended disability for depression and got me into a psychiatrist.

What's followed has been a pretty long journey of good times and bad times, with plenty of medication thrown in.

I've gotten better at recognizing when I'm falling back into a depressive state, which is good.  But it still sucks.

You know that commercial that says "Depression Hurts"?  Well, it flat out does.  It hurts my mind.  It hurts my body.  It hurts my family.  And I fight it.  I really do.

I've gotten much better, I really have.  But the thing with depression is it leaves you vulnerable.  My ability to roll with the punches is sometimes just non-existent.  It's like my emotional endurance is gone.  Something awful happens, and I need extra help pulling it together.  I've learned to ask for and seek the help though, which is good.

3)  This one's the hardest for me to write about.  Bella is really struggling in school, and in some ways with life.

I question how much I should put of this up here, because in many ways, this is her deal, and not mine.  But here's where I'm going to trust that Bella knows I love her and that I have her best interest at heart.  I'm going to trust my friends and family that read this to be understanding and loyal.  And I'm not going to care about the strangers.  And I'm still going to filter.  Not everything needs to be for public consumption.

Bella is about 2 years behind on her fine and visual motor skills.  She also has ADHD.  The former is the bigger problem right now at school, but the latter is compounding the former.  She's also behind on social skills and is having a hard time with friends.  And there's more, but this is where that filter comes in.

I know that the perception is often that ADHD is over-diagnosed and that she'll grow out of all of this and that we are worrying too much.  If that's your perception, feel free to judge us quietly, but please keep it to yourselves.

Bella is a sweet and kind and loving girl.  And she is struggling.  She's struggling with reading and writing and behavior and friendships.  And it breaks my heart.  All of the time.

Jason and I have near-constant anxiety and worry over this.



I think that's about all I can handle writing right now.

I know some of the friends and family come here mainly for pictures; so I'll try to post some soon.

So 2013 happened...

And I apparently didn't write a blog post the entire year.  Oh well.  Life is busy.

I went back through and read some of my old posts today, and I realized I'd forgotten some of the memories I'd written about my girls.  Which is what prompted me here, to write more.  I'm making no promises about posting after today, mainly because I'm tired of feeling guilty about not posting.  And really, a mother has enough guilt without heaping more on top that can be avoided.  But I am hoping to put a little more up there.

So what's new?

Annabella is 5 now, and she'll start kindergarten in the fall.  Choosing a kindergarten here is nothing like what it was for me or Jas growing up.  Then, we went to the kindergarten that was closest, case closed.  Maybe some parents would pony up some coin to send their kids to the private Catholic school if it was close enough to where they lived, but besides that, it was whatever was closest.  Bells, on the other hand, has a default base school (which is not the closest elementary school to us), a couple other calendar option schools (traditional vs year-round), a list of 10 or so magnet school options, not to mention the charter school options on top of that.  And those are just the public options.

In my brain, when I try to reason logically, I can tell myself that choosing a kindergarten for her is not this life-defining choice.  It's just kindergarten, and she can change schools later if she doesn't like it.  Plus, most of our options are really very good options.  I know this in my brain.  Or at least I try to.  But that doesn't stop the panic I feel whenever I start thinking about it again.

Warning, the following paragraph is probably mind-numbingly boring.  But here's the deal with the school stuff:
Kindergarten is your best shot of getting into some of these non-default schools, as they are application based and space-limited.  So switching from default to magnet/charter later on might prove challenging.  But the magnets/charters are farther away from us.  You have to provide transportation to and from the charters, whereas the magnets will bus.  I think the transportation issue is enough to kill the option of charter schools for our family, as both Jason and I work about 25 minutes from home.  A lot of families car pool to ease the burden, and if pushed, we could probably make that work.  But I haven't heard much about the charters, and have no real reason to believe they would be better for us.  Which leaves us with magnets and the default option.  The magnets are all quite a bit farther away from us than the default options, but I'm not certain that equals longer on the bus due to express busing options.  Most of the magnets are in not so great locations, ie poorer neighborhoods with higher crime rates and such.  And while the bus ride might not be longer, a magnet location would be much more difficult for Jason or I to get to, which would make doctor appointments/field trips/parental involvement that much harder.  We went to a magnet school fair, and a couple of the schools really did make good impressions on us, but nothing stood out so much to make us think, oh yes, we need to send Bells there.  So really, we're probably going to end up sending Bells to the default year-round school, which is also the closest to our house.  It's a great school, and I've heard great things about it from a couple moms in my neighborhood (although, virtually every family I've asked sends their kids to different schools, so I could probably say the same about any of the other options.)  And I think it's probably the best choice for our family as a whole.  I just wish I had more confidence that it was the best choice for Bells personally.

Besides the nightmare that is choosing a kindergarten in Wake County, we've been traveling a bunch for the holidays.  We went up to Ohio to visit family for the week surrounding Christmas, came home for about 10 hours, and took off to Myrtle Beach to spend a few days with Mom and Dad for New Years.  Soon we're heading up to Virginia for a couple days to meet our newest niece and celebrate another niece's 3rd birthday.  I think after we finish this next round of traveling, we're going to stay put for awhile.  All of this travel is fun but exhausting.

Annabella and Genevieve are awesome.  They've really played well with each other for a long time now, but recently it's gotten even better.  They play all sorts of imagination games.  They take turns being Mommy/Daddy/teacher/student/Captain Hook/Jake (of the Neverland Pirates)/etc.  They've been building trains out of their MagnaTiles, and using their princess dolls as passengers.  They are both learning more and more about letters/words/numbers.  They both ask a million questions a day, especially Bella.  They still fight like cats and dogs sometimes, but you've got to expect that.

Jas and I are doing well too.  He's been playing an online video game thing with his friends at night for awhile, and seems to really like that.  I go through phases of what interests me, and right now I'm into (don't laugh, it's awesome) Legos and other models.  I don't know how long this phase will last, but I'm really digging it right now.  (Sometimes I'm into painting, sometimes I'm super into photography, sometimes I read for hours and hours a week, sometimes I watch more TV/movies.  A few months of something and I seem to just switch gears.)

So once again I've been busy at work...which means blog updates are few and far between.  I love being busy at work, but I do regret not posting more.  So once again, sorry for the lack of updates.

So what's happened since I last updated?  

Well, my baby turned 2!  How did that happen?  Genevieve is embracing her 2 year old self.  She says she is a big girl, but she still likes to be my baby.  She wants to do everything, and I do mean everything, herself.  She is stubborn and determined and funny and smart and beautiful and I love her to pieces, even when she makes me want to pull my hair out. 

What about my other baby?  Well, she turned 4.  And there is nothing baby-like about her anymore.  Annabella is all long legs and sharp angles.  She remembers everything and loves to play games.  She's still my sweet snuggle bunny.  She has a best friend at school that she loves to see and loves to talk about and misses when she's away.  She's really growing up.

I think Jason posted about their annual check ups.  The craziness was that my tiny little Bella is no longer so tiny.  She's jumped from hovering around the 10th percentile for height up to between the 40th and 50th.  Besides the crazy growth spurt, both girls are healthy and doing great.

There's a ton more, but it's time for me to go be Mommy again.